


I Like You, Balth

by Lav



Category: Lovely Little Losers, Nothing Much to Do
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4407254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lav/pseuds/Lav
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Balthazar doesn't know how to handle somebody like Pedro Donaldson having feelings for him. So he tries to turn his own feelings off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Like You, Balth

It’s weird, right? That he likes me back. It’s just that when you’ve liked someone for so long and you’ve resigned yourself to the fact that he’s interested in someone else, you aren’t expecting him to reciprocate. And you’re okay with that. You’re fine writing sappy love songs that he takes as a joke, you’re alright with being one of his best friends, and you know that this is just temporary and you’ll go to uni and there’ll be so many guys there that he won’t matter anymore. And then… this.  

He took me out into the hall and it should’ve been obvious what he was going to say, I should’ve realized. We were sitting with our friends talking about how he’s bisexual and how he could have crushes on boys and I was proud of him, and happy for him, and when he took me out into the hall I wasn’t thinking about my crush on him I was just thinking that maybe he needed a friend or it was becoming too much because I’ve been there.

But then he looked at me and that thing that happens sometimes when he looks at me- the rush of blood to my cheeks and the pounding in my chest- happened and then he took my hand before I could think and said, “I like you, Balth.”

Holy shit. I still get a little bit lightheaded whenever I think about that moment because here’s this guy, this all around great guy, this popular, beautiful guy who I’ve been half in love with for years and he said he liked me while our fingers were intertwined. I’m pretty sure I actually said something ridiculous like, “I need to sit down.”

So we sat down against the wall in the hallway and even though my heart was beating way too fast and I wasn’t sure if I was actually breathing, I didn’t let go of his hand.

“I need some time. Just because I like you- I mean, I’ve liked you forever, you know that- but just because I like you and now you like me doesn’t mean-” But I put my head on his shoulder anyways.

“Yeah, no, of course.” He used his free hand to play with my hair.

And then we didn’t talk about it for weeks.

We kept hanging out, pretty much all of the time. We went to get coffee and we made music together and sometimes he stayed at my house until 2 am and had to sneak out the window and sometimes we held hands and sometimes he fell asleep on my shoulder or vice versa. And everyone just assumed we were dating. And maybe sometimes we assumed we were dating. But to be perfectly honest, the thought of dating Pedro Donaldson stressed me out way too much. So I let things keep happening the way they were happening. I didn’t want to define what we were, because I was happy. And I figured Pedro was happy too.

So we moved in together. I mean, not together- together. Like, we moved into a flat with Ben and his friend Freddie and then us. As a group of friends. I mean, sure Ben teased us about whether we even needed separate rooms and Freddie told us she thought we were adorable every time we said hello to each other. But it was fine. We were friends, we were going to university, everything was fine.

And then this one night, I was messing around on the keyboard and Pedro was sitting on the bench next to me. He kept hitting random keys and laughing when I told him to cut it out.

“I’m making it sound better,” he said.

“No, you’re not,” I said, and I wanted to be frustrated with him, but I couldn’t stop smiling.

                I had finally found a chord progression that sounded close to the feeling that kept playing over and over in my head and then Pedro said, suddenly serious, “Look, Balthazar. I love being your friend, I really do. But I need to know what’s going on with us.”

                And instead of telling him how I felt, instead of telling him that the thought of dating him made my chest feel so tight I couldn’t breathe, instead of telling him that sometimes when we fell asleep in the same bed, I woke up panicking, instead of telling him that I liked him so much I didn’t know how to be a human being when he was around, I leaned towards him.

                That was our first kiss.

His lips were softer than I thought they would be- it wasn’t the frantic, feverish making out I always imagined when I played out scenarios in which Pedro Donaldson would kiss me, back when I thought I didn’t have a chance. It was slow, careful. I was hyperaware of my lips and his lips and his tongue and my tongue and I didn’t know where the hell I was supposed to put my hands. And in that moment I knew that I could fall desperately, tragically, head over heels in love with this boy if I let myself. So I pulled away.

“I can’t,” I said quietly.

He looked confused and it broke my heart a little bit. “Can’t what?”

“Be with you. Like this.”

He didn’t say anything. His hands were still around my waist.

“It’s just that-“

“You don’t like me like that anymore,” he interrupted. “It’s fine.” He pulled away. “I’m sorry, I thought that there was something there but if you just want to be friends-“

“Of course I still like you like that,” I said, trying to transform the anxiety coursing through my entire body into words. “But it’s just that- you’re Pedro Donaldson. You’re the boy I was always half in love with, the unattainable jock who everybody knew was in love with Beatrice. And I never thought you would like me back and now that you do, it terrifies me. The thought of being with someone like you scares me so much.”

“Someone…. like me?” he said slowly.

“You’re too much for me,” I said. “This is too much.”

He left my room after that. The next morning he announced he was going by Peter now. He winked at me when he said that.

And it’s still weird. That we could’ve been something. It’s just that I liked him too much and for too long and I knew I couldn’t take getting my heart broken by him. But I still find myself panicking, sometimes. When I hear him in his room with someone else. When he talks about going on dates, when he’s sitting in the living room, when I know he’s in his room by himself, when he isn’t in the flat at all. And there aren’t very many other guys at uni that matter.

It’s late and I can’t sleep so I’m listening to music, trying to understand how people make such beautiful things. Lately it seems like the only music I can write is sappy and dull and depressing.

 Peter walks into my room without knocking and sits down next to me on my bed. He smells like sex and cheap cologne and his hair is sticking up everywhere. I take off my headphones.

“Can I- can I sleep in here tonight?” he asks. “I just- I don’t think being alone is a very good idea right now. You know?”

I nod. “Yeah, Peter. Of course.”

“I’ll sleep on the floor, you don’t have to share your bed or anything I just think that I-“

I roll my eyes. “Peter. You can sleep in my bed. It’s fine.”

He doesn’t argue. I turn off the lights and we lie next to each other in silence. I feel his hand reaching for mine. I think about rolling over. But instead I let him find it and like a reflex I lace my fingers through his.

“Balthy?” he whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Do you hate me?”

“Peter.”

“Do you?”

“No,” I say. “I mean, sometimes. But most of the time I just want you to be okay. And happy.”

“Are you okay? And happy?” He wraps his arms around me and without thinking I let myself be pulled in closer.

“Most of the time,” I say.

“That’s good.”

 “What about you?”

I can hear his heart beating.

“I’m alright.”

I don’t say anything else, I just let him hold onto me until I wake up in the morning and the sun is streaming in through the window. I’m breathing normally and Peter is still next to me.


End file.
